Blur

These days fly by in a blur. The hours I spend with Baby Man have no linear time to them. I watch him as he learns to mimic and smile and drink countless bottles and am astounded that two hours are gone.

I have been spending more time with him while his mommy is in flight training. She has a new position at Aligence Airlines where she will pilot their planes. Spending more time is a good thing, new job for her is not so good for me. Baby Man, as I call him will only be with me for another month or so instead of the five years they had hoped. Florida is not on my horizons as it is in theirs.

Back to the blur. Spending time in the blur happens when I am with him. The blur occurs when I am writing or when I used to do art work. Hours fly by, accounted for yet there is a distinct difference to the feeling of the time. It is that kind of moment when you look up and wonder, "Where did the time go?" The blur for me is some of the best time on earth. It is when I am most connected to another, an idea, a force. It has happened while on a bike ride on the beautiful trail in the Pacific Northwest that I miss so much, it has happened sitting in the sun watching the waves break and feeling its warmth on my skin. The blur happens in the kitchen when I am in midst of timing an amazing meal and it's almost done. It concurs with that first bite that is an absolute mouth orgasm of amazing. The blur happens in her arms on Saturday afternoons. The three day birthday weekend spent in Bellingham was blur time. Baking in the kitchen with my Grandma Johnson when I was a kid was blur time. Floating down the river on inner tubes slow but fast - that's blur time.

Here is the thing about the blur, it goes by so fast but it's so damn good. Here's to embracing the blur.

Day 9 "Bookie"

The day of the BIG game, Tuesday the 7th of January,  between Alabama and Norte Dame Karen and I were having a conversation about betting. Remember, we do live in Vegas and it is legal to place bets here. We are not gamblers but are well acquainted with one in particular. He was racing off  to the casino to place bets for himself and a few friends prior to the game. It got me to thinking, since Norte Dame was slated to win by only 10 points what would happen if they did not? What happens when the point spread that is bet fails to occur? What happens when just as in this big game, where the predicted outcome was turned completely upside down? What happens is this...

Ha, the bookmaker, or "bookie" gets rich and everyone else goes home with nada, zip, or shit as they say. Now in my massage therapy career I met many people and one of them had a bookie landscaping business. He had inherited the business from his step father and kept it alive and well. Well enough he lived in a 5,000 sf house in an affluent neighborhood and helped raise 5 kids that were not his own. He seemed an affable guy. While doing his massages I would occasionally have to answer the door (since he asked me to) and take whatever cash was being placed as the payment for services bet. They were usually men in suits (physicians, attorneys, professionals,  etc.) whose very nice car were kept running as they sprinted up to the door. There was never much said between either of us. I would just answer the door and smile and take the money handed to me.

It never occurred to me until this week just how Ron made his money. I don't know why. I just thought it was funny that I actually knew a real life bookie landscaper.

Strength

Strength is a funny thing. It comes in many forms. Physically, emotionally, mentally. To me, being patient is a sign of strength. It takes a strong character to be patient and wait. To leave words unsaid.

In my life today, strength is represented by be willing to do what is necessary. Even if it isn't necessarily what I want to be doing. Strength is be willing to show up, do what I am asked, put my best face on, and take on the day. And some days, strength means getting up again tomorrow and doing it all again.

Strength also comes in taking on a new work out routine. Even when muscles hurt that I had forgotten I had, strength is getting up early enough to do it again tomorrow before work. What I love is that not only does it make me feel better, in the long run I love feeling the physicality of strength in my body. Muscles are awesome. Getting toned is awesome. Strength can feel mighty good.

Lastly, what comes is mind is the strength is takes to be vulnerable. You must be so strong in order to be exposed, vulnerable, and what many consider as weak. To really be yourself and lay your heart and soul out on the table. It isn't easy but it's wonderful to let others know the real you. Too see you, the good and the questionable, the positive and the less than delightful, the all of you. It takes strength to be human, to be humble, to be.

Absence

So, you know the title to my blog? Well there is a reason for it, because like most people plagued with ADHD I often flitter through my life like a hummingbird on crack. Yep. I do. And, while I have a lot of  energy I very often lack focus. Severely lack focus.
Things in my life have been quite challenging for me since the move and not wanting to bemoan or complain I just have avoided writing here. While I still am feeling every bit as lost and completely afloat in the career abyss I have decided to surrender to it and just make each day, each shift bearable and go about it with the best attitude I can muster. After all, really, I am still here. I still get another chance, while so many I have known and loved do not. I am so very grateful for that.
So, the idea I have been bouncing around is a word a day...and some sort of essay to go with it. Because after all, I seem to always have something to say and it is a good way to kick off a creative look into language. I figure I have four days of ketchup (catch up...I mean!! Ha, ha, ha!) to do, but if I start now then I have 364 days to write and just a few to catch up.

Do What You Love...

and the money will follow. What Color is your Parachute? Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway. The Artist Way. Have you read these books? I have. Did they change me, did they alter the direction of my life? Nope. Not at all. Here I am years later, still with the same desire, still not doing what I dream of.

What I dream of, I will share that eventually but first I want to take ownership of why I think this has not happened.

Many reasons, but here are a few obvious ones to me and those who have spent a decent amount of time in a relationship with me;

 ~Focus. I lack it. Daily. I get pulled into a million directions just walking down my own hallway trying to get from the kitchen to my bedroom. I might stop in the bathroom and clean it (halfway of course). Put a few things away that lie on the sink. Hang up a few shirts that I ironed and then start rearranging my walk-in closet. I don't know how it happens, it just does.

~Which has finally lead me to believe, yep I am an adult with ADHD. And sometimes it propels me to get many things accomplished and many times it completely paralyzes me because there are so many things I want to do, I end up doing none of them. This needs to be addressed but not here, today.

~I wuss out. I get afraid. I get lost in the mire of where to begin and the overwhelm of who to talk to, present my ideas, my creativity and so I don't. I just curl up in a ball and continue to do work I could care less about and make money that a college kid could earn. That is outright embarrassing, but true.

~Likes, interests, desires, curiosities, possibilities...I have so many things I've thought about doing for fun, for money, for a career that I have ended up doing NONE of them. Holy crips. The list is so long it is ridiculous  I have never been able to settle on anything. Okay, that is not entirely true. I did start and finish Massage School and work as a therapist for 14 years (when I could have been getting a number of degrees, but I didn't). I also got my aesthetics license, twice but that is a story for another post.

The negative voice in me says these are all EXCUSES.

The sweet, tender, go on, don't give up me says, "You finally know why you are the way you are, now you have to find a way to deal with it and go out an claim the professional life you've always wanted." It is there for you, waiting, if you will just pick it up. Go, baby, go. Don't hide anymore. Today is your day, now, it begins right here.

While it seems scary and big and wildly ambitious, I also feel like WHY THE HECK NOT? I have done more things out of character in the last 8 years than I ever have and I have become happier than I ever have. It's okay to rattle and shake things up.

Makes me think of the lyrics from Florence and the Machine...

The dogs days feel like they are over, because there is a shift inside. Stay tuned.

3 Weeks Late?

Bahhaha, not that kind of late silly! I would be a medical miracle if I was worried that I had turned up preggers. You know, seeing as I only sleep with my GF and all. Ha!

I met with the nicest man today. In case you don't know, I am job hunting and have been for about a month now.

Job hunting could be called other things, especially when you have foregone a formal education and screwed around with all free time life has availed to you and still have managed to NOT finish your degree but as always... I digress, where was I?

Oh yeah, job hunting, should read something like this in the dictionary;

job hunting - a way to make one's self never want to arise out of bed, stand up right, shower, dress, and look presentable again just so you can be ignored, rejected, or told you are over or under qualified.

job hunting - the manner in which one successfully finds a way to obliterate any ounce of self esteem you may have managed to kept in tact up to this point in time.

job hunting - a sure fire way to make you want to go out and spend every dime you have on lotto tickets because the odds of winning seem about as close to getting hired anywhere for anything.

Back to 3 weeks late. I popped in for an application (yes, live and in person and NOT on-line) at a certain establishment I frequent. It had been suggested to me by one of their employees that I would fit right in and should apply for work there. So I did, but at a location just a bit closer to home. I brought my application back, smiled, waited, answered a few questions and then was told to check back. So I did. I checked back where basically I was told they had over hired for the holidays and it was not likely they would need me. Essentially, the kiss off.

Then I decided to head to another location of the same establishment. Where I was actually greeted and given eye contact by the manager. Yay, me!  He printed out an application and asked me to return it to him in a week. The actually owners of the entire business were heading in for store visits the following week and he did not want to hear back from me until that was done and laid to rest. So be it.

I went back in yesterday and he was not there. The person I spoke to advised me to come back today at 11:00am and see him in person, which is exactly what I did.

I waited while the Brinks guards did their money transaction, I waited while a woman was getting a refund, I walked around the store to see some of the new items for the holidays. I finally made my way up to the front desk and was greeted by someone who suggested the manager would want to see me face to face. They directed me to head back to the BOH (back of the house) or distribution area, or whatever you call it. I walked back through and he was standing there, gave me a smile. I told him I was directed back this way to see him and he asked me to head back out front to wait for him. So I did.
This man is the first one who was nice enough to at least take the time to speak to me. He suggested we head outside to the perfect weather (which it is right now).  And yes, he told me I was about 3 weeks too late. This is when I ask the universe why didn't I hit this location rather than the other one first???? Because I went there three weeks ago!!! He told me we would be having a different conversation if I had been there then. Okay, so why that is good news (meaning I may actually be considered for a position) it sucks. He went on to say he had hired some seasonal people that were driving him crazy already and he may be calling me, but he couldn't promise anything. I understand but, shit, crap, (&^%$, because I am finding this staying home thing is driving me crazy. Really, it is time for me to go back to work. Now. Today. A purpose. Somewhere to be and something to do. Oh yeah, and a paycheck would be an added bonus.

But at least this gentleman restored my faith just a tad in humanity. I was really beginning to feel as if   this town was giving me the finger in a most major way. I know I get easily discouraged. I know I don't take rejection well. But I also know I have a great work ethic and really I just want to get back at it. Now please, dear Universe.

Who Knew?

On a hunt for delicious produce, I headed east to the Farmer's Market in Henderson. I was driving around in search of a parking place in the shade and passed this sign. It was in front of their house/business???

I think my favorite thing about this is that you can drop off your "kill" 24/7, really???? That just cracks me up, welcome to Southern Nevada, yee-haa!!!